The Time

In about 4 hours we'll know the applicants for MC 08/09. Last year I was so tired that even was not so much interested although it was supposed to be MY team. It's so natural for me - to focus on solution if challenge is about me personally, and to have much more feelings & emotions while it's about somebody else. Strange.

I have no idea how the next team will look like. "Gossips" tell that applicants are so different, so strong, so special. And it's absolutely up to LCPs - to choose. And I trust them. I can't not to. Although exchange results are decreasing.

Nastya

Living the MCP term

Today Masha, Anya and me had meeting with CSR director of TNK-BP. For 2 hours he was sharing his opinion about russian economy, youth issues, corruption & bureocracy. About labor market and democracy vs power. We were sitting in a pub and in a clouds of smoke, looking at his expensive shirt with blue stripes I realized that it IS the moment I love. The story to tell.
It has started for me few weeks ago when Varia gave me the book about Khodorkivsky - it was the first time when i REALLY started to think about natural resources based economy, about business being under control of government as well as almost all organizations, NGOs etc. which may possibly have influence and power. No, it's not totalitarism, but for sure not civil society. First and foremost because citizens have no idea what is it and how to make it happen. More than half century of communism influenced Russia more than ANY other countries which were occupied, and i hate when young polish, estonians etc. somehow blame young russians in being "ossupants" of their countries. What a bullshit.

I realized, that for me "non-political and independent" doesn't mean "indifferent" what often happens with us, unfortunately.

I want to ask my LCPs about constitution - do they know what it's about?

And I now see that the way we work with issues is a bit bullshit and it could be much more powerful if we felt included. Part of society. Not "existing in dreaming world" organization, coming back to earth just to get some money & recruit students.
I'm thinking now, how to share all these with my team and my country.
***

Anula just told me that because of some family issues she needs to go to Poland immediately till January. I can do nothing with it, so I'm quite calm - there are no such problems that we can't manage. But then she goes from my room and I'm starting crying - why me? Why do my team falling apart (family issues, exams, smth BIG and unexpected). Sure, I'll manage, We will manage. But why?

And then I come to the thought that everything what happens to us is just the consequence of our choices and attitudes.

Actually, thinking about my term I never had in mind "dream team". Success - yes. Something outstanding - yes. Amazing individuals - yes.
All these is for sure selfish.

To be special. To spend year in a way that makes it precious. To be with cool people.
Cause others judge you based on these criteria: who are your friends? are they smart? successful? what have you done? is it meaningful? challenge? achievement?

Medal always has two sides. I love people and trust in them. I want to be loved.

And I have no fucking idea how will we finish the year. The only thing I'm sure about that I'm gonna enjoy the process of building and exploring. To write stories as the one with the guy. Results matters only if you WERE there. Really. Every day.

Stay or leave?

For the last 1.5 hours we were sitting at the MC-kitchen (best place for hosting conversations) discussing Democracy in Russia, citzenship & what we actyally gonna do with all this. My question was: "I don't know, if I'm corageous & committed enough to saty in my country knowing that here is the "right opinion" is not the voice of "demos", but the ruling party". And in Russia you probably can't be not loyal to it, taking some decisions.

Conversation & answers that I've got were one of the best in my AIESEC life. Because of 2 reasons:
- we are talking a lot about "me-part" of AIESEC experience, but rarely "society-part" althought it's essensial for making impact. And here I mean not issues, but feeling the part of particular society and fulfilling your duties as citizen
We in AIESEC don't use so much the word "citizenship" - to feel being incuded, being Part, being responsible. Not from the "power of one" perspective (I can.I will.), but from "me as a part of something bigger" perspective. Here I mean country, what is pretty different from "AIESEC world" where globalization is reality and borders don't exist (actually, I'm not fully agree with it. It's something we more pretend to be that really are).

- There is no "safe place" where u can make impact. And it does matter where you make this impact. Why should you care more about any "country with issues" than country that made you who you are? If you are looking for "safe place", probably you don't want to work hard?

Nastya.

At 9 am when i started my work in front of the computer the electricity was swithed off.
I dont know even why i started to make this picture.
Probably because i saw my blocknote with the notes from yesterdays MC meeting, when we were laughing, speaking seriously. But only the half of the team, coz so many of us are in different cities. And i miss you guys
Moreover the most funny thing is that all these photos are OLD. they were made in the beginging of our term
When we've just come.
Yours Masha

Lunch talk

Hello again from rainy Vilnius!

We've just come back from very nice place called "White Elephant" - the cafe/pub where almost all food is indian, bartender speaks russian instead of common english and you can find perfect mint tea. During the lumch we started to discuss HIV/AIDS in our countries and found out that 1% estonian citizens are HIV positive, that at least three of MCPs talked to HIV positive people at some conferences/hospitals, that few of us made this virus test.
Why I mentioned it here that very we (AIESECers) pretend to be an experts in smth, but we are not. How many members of AIESEC Russia made HIV test? How much we REALLY know about the virus? Who of us talked at least once to HIV-positive person?

I've got an idea to bring some NGO to National Congress to tell about HIV. Very simple thing to do.
We are talking about war? Let's invite somebody from the army.
What about homeless? Drugs addicted? NGO which works with racism and tolerance?
It's very cool to add "connection time" to the agenda and discuss the topics. But we often have nothing to discuss. Because we have no fucking idea of what is really happenning. Not online.
But every day in somebody's life.

Under my umbrella

As I wrote to LCPs, as I was told million times - "Be there".
I am at EuroCo and I'll be here till 13th October. It means all my "MCP-job" which can't be done by Masha, will stop. Ok, let's accept this fact (althought I'm still nervous) and tell you what is happening here.

First, It's extremely cool to feel "not enough professional" - I learn faster. It doesn't mean that it's true but the feeling itself make you try more than when it's "safe".
Also I noticed that I'm quite indifferent to all "guru" and "masters" whom I don't know personally. Why? Things they are writing about are obvious. There is nothing new. And when you don't know the story, the context - it becomes meaningless "bla-bla", at least for me. I learn not from the wise thoughts, but from actions, from people who lived a story and share it with me - I learn from them not the "right answers", but the attitude - be brave? be patient? be generous? smile? be ready for everything? They are not necessary very famous, but they are just exist. Here and now.
And exactly this fact (I mean"not enough respect to "guru" and memory for their names & theories") makes me feel "not enough professional". It's easier to use the concept, it's difficult to try, to live...

It's raining in Lituania. I love this weather - it's different to warm Moscow and it makes me feel like in real autumn. 7 months left. 7 months more of MCP experience - the best ever.
It was hard it is still hard. It helps you to discover yourself in hundred different dimensions. For me MCP term is the travel to my true "self" - I have become much more calm, I'd even say "harmonic" person. I still see my failures as the "end of the universe" but now I'll allow myself to try one more time whatever I fucked up. Becuase it WILL be different and I WILL be successful, cause I've learned. I'll fail in other aspects, but it's called "learning" and generally there is no such thing as failure - you are not competing with life or with yourself. You are constantly changing, like a worm - to become a butterfly. And it takes some time and some courage to change certain number of times to get wings. If not enough - you are still worm. Safe but boring.

I'm telling this not because I consider myself as looser and try to find an excuse - not at all - but only this year I understood the concept I described above and still exploring it. And what's the most amazing thing, I've got my lost "it's not enough for me" feeling again! But the difference now is that... it's about experience to live, people to meet, things to try, but not "get new status" or "be elected for the certain position". Focusing on experience I'm sure that there is no way not to get it if you want.

Nastya

Random hour

Wohooo!

I managed to find 15 minutes to create devil's dozen blog:) But I need a bit more time to start posting:)

Coming soon!

Nastya. MCP.